Денис Стафоркин - фото
I've seen a lot of fan theories on here since Episode Seven, but after taking like five handfuls of opiates and watching Return of the Jedi seven times I've figured it out.
Rey is Kylo Ren's Sister.
BUT SHE'S NOT HAN'S DAUGHTER
Remember this asshole?
This is Leia, Rey and Kylo Ren's mother. But Han didn't fertilize that. His pull out game is way too strong.
But I know what you're asking. "If Rey isn't the product of the sweaty loin grinding of a bikini-clad princess and marauding stallion of a loose-cannon smuggler, then who is the father?"
Well prepare yourselves.
Because it's...
This Guy
That's right. Widget. The ass-kicking Ewok, and secret Jedi master, that we never saw coming.
"But when did Leia do Furry Scurry with Widget's Harry Larry?" you ask.
Remember this scene?
Leia: "arent u a little short to be a stormtrooper?"
Widget: "stfu I hav the high ground"
Leia: "omg this is so us."
Aw yiss
Now that we've established that Widget and Leia clearly did the nasty in the pasty, here's three completely irrefutable reasons why this theory is the truth.
1: The Stick
In several scenes in Return of the Jedi, Widget can be seen clearly holding a stick as a weapon
The Stick Awakens
In The Force Awakens, Rey occasionally also holds a stick in an obvious homage to her father.
2. The Head Scarf
In this scene, Widget can be seen clearly wearing a head scarf. Note how it covers his head and is also a scarf.
The Head Scarf Awakens
Nearly identical. I, for one, can hardly tell the two apart, and I've had Lasik like five times. JJ Abrams is just shoving it down our throat now.
But if that's not enough, consider this:
3. Droid Worship
When Widget encounters C-3PO, he worships him as the most socially awkward of all the Gods of Endor. He clearly takes an immediate liking to droids.
Droid FRIENDship Awakens
In a clear parallel to her father, Rey immediately befriends the first droid we see her encounter. Coincidence? I think not.
CASE CLOSED
We thought he was cute. We thought he was fluffy. We thought he was a thinly-veiled attempt by George Lucas to make a statement about the war in Vietnam within a Universe that had no need for such blatant imagery.
But the whole time, he was father to one of the potentially most powerful Jedi we've seen yet.
I wrote JJ Abrams about this, and he responded "I don't know how you got my personal email. I ask you again: please stop emailing me your star wars theories and "dope" mixtapes or I w
BUT WAIT: THERE'S MORE
Remember how Kylo Ren is a person? Well he's ALSO not Han's. Like I said, pullout game too strong.
That's right, he's a Widget too. The Half-Ewok, full angst son of a steamy endor afternoon.
Remember how he takes off his mask?
WELL GUESS WHAT. This is just another mask. Another beautiful, shovel-faced mask.
BOOM
The Real Kylo Ren.
When Episode 8 comes out, I won't say I told you so.
TR-8R Tax.
Always b loyal
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